The Worst Days

The Worst Days

This is quite difficult for me to write. For those wanting to recover, for those who feel that it will never get better. I want this to help you and provide you with some hope that it does get better.

I remember the worst days. I mean everyday was bad. But there were some REALLY bad ones.


24th April 2018.

Carm and I were in Cornwall for a few days with my step brother and his girlfriend. It was the four of us (meant to be six but my mum broke her leg) all in a big beautiful 6 bedroom house, overlooking the sea. Carm begged me to have a few days without any running or exercise. I said I would try. We got there in the evening, I tried to relax and we toasted some marshmallows over the fire. I told myself that it was a holiday, I was allowed to indulge. Once I started eating chocolate, I couldn’t stop. That’s what happens when you restrict yourself, you binge like a teenager with the munchies. I ate two share bags of rolos, minstrels, bar of galaxy and more marshmallows. I ate until I felt sick and a crippling pain in my stomach. I went to bed feeling anxious, guilty and irritable.

The next morning, I woke up at 7am. I laid there thinking about the amount of sugar I ate last night. The ED voice repeating “You better get moving, you ate about 2000 calories last night, you’re turning into a lazy slob, you’re surrounded by amazing views, you should go for a run.” I thought that I would be nicer to be around if I ran, it would calm my anxiety and I would get that temporary high. I will run so that I am better company. I actually convinced myself that I was doing everyone a favour. I NEEDED to run, if I didn’t then I would feel terrible and that would make Carm feel bad.

I quietly sneaked out of bed, trying not to wake anyone. I slipped on my running shoes and tiptoed out into the wind. I ran for 10 miles along the coast. I felt better straight away, a big relief, I could have ran for miles. I tried to creep back into the kitchen but Carm was waiting for me. He shouted at me, I said I was fine, the usual argument. He kicked things and shouted “You’re killing yourself and you don’t even care.”

I locked myself in my bedroom and I cried. I cried hard. Like really sobbed. I thought, what if this is it. What if this really is as good as it gets. I have never in my life, felt so alone. I was racked with guilt that Carm had to suffer with me. The guilt made the depression worse. I lay there thinking, this is never going to get better, it doesn’t matter what I do or what I don’t do. I could win the lottery and I wouldn’t have cared. My Mum and Chris offered to pay for our dinner at Rick Stein’s famous Sea Food restaurant. But it didn’t make me feel any better, I was angry at myself. Mum was trying to make me feel better but NOTHING worked. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t being grateful enough.

Nobody knew what was happening to me, I didn’t even understand it, so there was no hope that anyone else would.

This illness has taken over my life and Meg is no more. It got its claws in me and I can’t get out of its grip. I am anorexic and it has beaten me. It’s too hard to fight it, I want to let it win.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. Now I get it, I actually understand why people want to end their life. It is an easy way out of a dark lonely hole. It was never an option for me, but I didn’t think I would EVER get better.

My heart rate was 38bpm, my hormones were non-existent, and I would wake up at 3am dripping in sweat. My bum hurt when I sat down, my hips were constantly sore, I was always freezing cold. I didn’t tell anyone how much it was hurting. Because I didn’t want people to think me as weak. How ridiculous is that.

It’s like being stuck in a dark maze with no way out, you’re completely lost, with nothing but a voice. A voice telling you over and over again, if you don’t run then you’re lazy, if you don’t eat clean, then you’ve failed. The voice only shut up when I ran.

I tried to imagine the future, but all I could see were dark clouds. I was surrounded by clouds and I couldn’t see past them.

My friend came and sat on the end of my bed, she told me it would get better, and she told me that she struggled with depression. I never let anyone see me this upset, but I didn’t care anymore.

I had no idea that she was on medication for depression. That gave me some hope. She was getting through it, so I could too. Suddenly I didn’t feel as alone.

That day we all walked 9 miles. Everyone else was tired, but my body could have kept going. I could have run another 10 miles. Looking back now I realise my body was lying to me. The psychologist said not to trust my body and she was so right. How could I run 10 miles, cry and sob, then walk 9 miles and STILL not feel tired?!

That was one of my worst days. Because I had no hope, I wanted to give up and stop fighting, because being anorexic felt SO much easier.

I think that’s why it has the highest mortality rate for any mental illness. Only 40% ever fully recover.

It tears your life apart, and then holds the broken pieces down.

For all of you having bad days, it does get better. You can fight it.


#edrecovery #recoveryisworthit

How To Survive January and Douchebags

How To Survive January and Douchebags


Everywhere you go, whoever you talk to. It’s all about the fucking Diets. Dry January, new year new me blah blah blah.

“I am on this new detox clense.” That’s great Susan,  ill see you shaking in the corner of the office tomorrow. Or covered in chocolate the day after.

When I hear the detox talk from perfectly healthy people, I literally just hear “I am spending money on society’s notion that I should be smaller in order to have more worth and beauty”

If people want to diet, they can crack on. I am all for people doing whatever works for them. It is just when they bang on about it all dam day. Nobody wants to be friends with Susan from weight watchers who eats dust.

Living with an Eating Disorder in January, is fucking exhausting. Colleagues, friends, news, social media, all of it is constant. And it’s so hard not to get sucked into it all. I can feel it trying to seduce me like a cheap whore.

Exercise was my coping mechanism, my escape from dealing with emotions and reality. So giving it up was the hardest thing I have ever done. And now I get to listen to other people talking about it ALL THE TIME, just because it’s January. Just because society is making us all feel bad for “indulging” over Christmas.

So, if like me, you want to punch everyone, this might help:

  • Tell your friends and family you’re struggling, they might not understand, but if they love you then they will limit their diet talk around you. Or find friends who talk about more interesting things than calories.
  • If you get stuck next to Susan at work, talking about how carbs are the devil, just walk away. It’s not rude, you can’t help it if she’s boring. Your mental health is more important.
  • Write down a list of your motivations for recovery (I want to stamp mine on my forehead)
  • Unfollow all fitness and diet influencers. In fact, unfollowing anyone or anything that doesn’t make you laugh, feel happy or inspired.
  • Talk to someone who gets it. That it one thing that social media IS good for. Message me, I can be nice.
  • Watch The Greatest Showman. Not into Musicals? Just watch it.
  • Remind yourself that it won’t last long. It’s a month, it will pass and then everyone will waste their money on Valentine’s day.
  • Remember to do the opposite of what society is telling you, eat the junk, gain the weight- FOOD IS MEDICINE


Dry January- Why its bullshit

There’s no proof or evidence that it actually does you any good.

You could try drinking a bit less in general, you don’t have to go cold turkey for the sake of joining the other sheep doing it.

A month won’t make much difference to your liver if you’re a big drinker. If you’re a modest tippler, a few days recovery is all your liver needs.

A month isn’t long enough to change your drinking habits. The idea of a dry January is to help us rethink our drinking. But, according to research by the psychology department at UCL, it takes an average 66 days to form a new habit.

This is the only dry you need in your life:

DRY gin

DRY cider

DRY martini

DRY white wine

Why January isn’t the time for diets

If you’re anything like me, you’re missing Christmas. January is just a sad month. It’s cold and grey, I just want to hide under my blanket eating cookies and watching Netflix. It can be weeks before we actually see the sun. So we need something to cheer us up. I’m pretty sure nobody gets excited about soup.

I remember this time last year, sitting at home trying to force myself to go for a run, its freezing cold, I open my scary credit card bill, at least I can look forward to my chicken salad later. No. Fuck that. This year I am making beef and ale casserole and sitting in the warm.

One of the best things about Christmas- the left overs. The cheese, the gammon, the chocolates, you cannot throw that stuff away! Not to mention the after Christmas sales, where the best chocolates and gifts are half the price!

Another reason, a lot of diets cost money. Because the weight loss industry loves to tell us we NEED to lose weight (they need the money). Save your pennies and go for a dam walk, be more active, eat more vegetables, whatever suits YOU.

Remember, being obsessed with health doesn’t make you healthy, it just makes you obsessed.

You are in charge of your life, dont make excuses about those douche bags around you. YOU have the choice to recover to be a happier healthier person.

 Who cares what everyone else is doing!?

Men- “Bigorexia”

Men- “Bigorexia”

Can Men develop a bad relationship with food and exercise?

Have you crossed that fine line between fitness and obsession?

I have heard a lot recently, about men experiencing forms of Disordered Eating. I think it is all around us and I’ve noticed it more and more since the start of my recovery.

Many men participate in competitions in which their body is exhibited and judged (Body building). This may further influence a man to manipulate how he eats in attempt to achieve this “perfect body”. While some bodybuilders may not have a diagnosable eating disorder, the manners in which they eat and consume food can be considered irregular or disorderly.

Upon first glance, you probably think “No there must be hardly any men that have eating problems”

Which is what I used to think. But it turns out that it’s a bit more disguised and maybe even more acceptable in Men.

Here is a personal example:

My Partner’s best friend. At first glance, he is a healthy 32 year old man that clearly goes to the gym. He is incredibly ripped and pretty much pure muscle.

When I first met him, I was really impressed with his physique. I thought he was pretty attractive and even admirable. But on getting to know him I started to realise that he has a terrible relationship with food and exercise.

Here are just a few of his behaviours:

  1. Body dismorphia- He is NEVER big enough, he is constantly trying to get bigger muscles and is never happy with how he looks.
  2. The Gym takes priority: He never misses a workout and refuses to go on Holiday ANYWHERE unless there is a gym at the hotel.
  3. He binges, like proper binges. He tells me “I can’t just have one biscuit or chocolate bar, last time I had one biscuit, I lost control and ate 4 packets of biscuits, 3 doughnuts and about 6 chocolate bars.”
  4. He takes his own packed lunch to friend’s houses instead of eating with them.
  5. He refuses to eat at MOST restaurants. He only eats at suitable places with healthy foods e.g. meat grills.
  6. Obsession: He went to McDonalds recently to get his weekly “treat”. When he arrived, they were sold out of the toffee crisp McFlurry. He became very angry and proceeded to drive to TWO other McDonalds to find this Mcflurry. He lost his shit over a McFlurry (see illustration)

Would you consider this behaviour to be normal?

To most people, this guy just looks super fit and healthy and to some, the lifestyle even appears favourable. But actually, he is pretty fucking miserable.

Another friend at my gym, was training to compete in  a body building competition. A week before the competition he had to pull out due to the strain on his mental wellbeing.

I have conducted a bit of research: there is something called Muscle dysmorphia (MD), popularly known as “bigorexia” or reverse anorexia. It is an increasingly prevalent psychiatric disease. It’s currently classified as a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder, but some doctors feel it’s more accurately described as an eating disorder.

With Anorexia or Orthorexia, the disorders tend to have a “look”

It was obvious to my family and friends that I was over exercising and under eating, and my personality was even worse than my “haggered” (thanks mum) appearance.

But would anyone notice the same obsession with men? They look healthy and fit but what if their life has become a constant cycle of working out, eating, sleeping and planning the next meal.

What if the obsession has taken over their life and they can’t stop it?

So, if you’re a man reading this. Can you go for a few days without working out? Do you spend most of your time thinking about your meal plan? There is a fine line between fitness and obsession, make sure the lines don’t start to blur for you.

Disordered Eating can affect both Men and Women, that demon dont discriminate!

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

And let’s face it, nobody wants to date a walking muscle machine that regularly explodes with Mcflurry fuelled rages.



When you are so hungry, that your lack of food causes you to become angry, frustrated:


So I wanted to write a little bit about something I have experienced during Orthorexia.

It’s a feeling of anger for no logical reason. I like to call it, ED rage. Or Apple crumble rage, as that was my most recent one. It is a nasty little side effect that I try to keep to myself.

It’s basically a hangry rage and occurs because of one of the following reasons:

  1. The food that I am about to eat isn’t perfect enough
  2. The food that I want, isn’t available

I’m not talking just a little frustration, it used to be a serious rage. I guess it doesn’t help when you are a perfectionist. Here are some examples:

I went out for dinner with a friend, after a lovely steak dinner, we venture to my favourite pudding shop to get their delicious cookie dough that I had previously seen advertised on Instagram. I had been thinking about said cookie dough alllll dam day and even messaged them to check they still had it on the menu. I had a smaller dinner so that I had enough space for the warm gooey pot of heaven. (I was still restricting at this time which was very wrong!) We deliberately didn’t have pudding at the restaurant, just so I could get this Cookie Dough. So we go over to the pudding shop. We sit down, take a look at the menu and guess what. They don’t have any cookie dough. I said to the waitress, “No no I messaged before and they said you have it.”

The waitress looked at me with no clue what I was talking about. The ED rage erupted and wanted to punch that waitress in the face. How could she do this to me? Why would you promise me cookie dough and just suddenly not have any. I honestly felt like I was just told my pet had been run over. It’s a really horrible feeling, the ED is angry because it can’t have the thing it has been craving.

Why would I get so angry over such stupid little things?

I realise now, that I was angry because I was FUCKING HUNGRY. My body was starved. Just like in the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, the reactions to lack of fuel and nutrients can be ridiculous. A malnourished brain is a profoundly malfunctioning organ, it DOESN’T WORK PROPERLY WHEN WE ARE STARVED. This is just the effect of starvation – it affects our physical AND mental health. My brain was desperate for that cookie dough because I had convinced it how amazing it would be. I also had that “It’s worth the calories” attitude which didn’t help.

So to my family and friends…I am sorry if I unleashed my ugly hangry rath upon you.

And for future reference, this is why your friend/partner will become moody during their diet. There is only one cure for this…


Review ED: Powered by Peanut Butter

Review ED: Powered by Peanut Butter

So I decided to do a review on something I am very passionate about. One of my favourite things in the whole world that I consume every day.

The sweet, nutty, smooth, crunchy delicious spoonful of heaven.

Peanut Butter.

So, which one spreads the most love?


I like to think of myself as a peanut butter expert, a connoisseur if you will. I absolutely love the stuff. So I thought I should let the other nutty lovers out there know, what the best peanut butter out there is. (Or MY favourite anyway)

I decided to review the healthier ones, these are the peanut butters that I would use every day. This is mainly because they don’t have the added crap and I like to spoon it out the jar straight into my mouth.

I am going to start with the worst peanut butter type. When I was in the midst of my eating disorder. I decided to buy PB Powdered Peanut Butter. I made it my mission to “Eat Clean” and buy the healthiest option of EVERYTHING. I had already convinced myself that I liked the sweet potato brownies and the raw chocolate (I really didn’t). This was one of the things that I just couldn’t convince my ED to like. And my ED was desperate to like ANYTHING that was considered “healthy”.


I wouldn’t even describe this shit as Peanut Butter, because it’s not. It’s a powder that you mix with water to make a paste of death. It’s so bitter I even tried mixing it with honey to sweeten it up. Don’t bother pretending you like it, if you do then you must be a vegan by choice or just love eating dust.

There is also the controversial issue of Palm oil in Peanut Butter. I hear that Palm Oil is responsible for some deforestation which basically means it causes forests to be destroyed in order to create space for Palm oil to be grown. Therefore I will include the ingredients in my list.

So, here my top 5 Peanut Butters:


5. Meridian

Roasted Peanuts (100%). Available smooth or crunchy. No Added palm Oil or salt

£2.50 for 280g in Tesco


This one is my least favourite. It’s a bit of a pain because of the oil that sits at the top of the jar. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just the natural peanut oils rising to the top, but as soon as you open it you do have to mix it or you will be spreading oil on your toast. It is a very liquid consistency, it’s quite runny and I always get it over my desk. I just find the taste a bit bland. Maybe it’s because of the lack of salt. It’s still a good natural peanut butter and they’re one of the few producers that leave the peanut skins on for roasting. It’s quite expensive for the size and what you’re getting, especially when you can get the same thing from Aldi for a lot less- The foodie market peanut butter which is also 100 % peanuts with no palm oil.

Meridian have loads of different types of nut butters for people with intolerances ranging from lactose, egg, gluten, wheat or sugar free. They even state “celery free”. I mean why the fuck would celery be in peanut butter?!


4. Pip and Nut

Hi-Oleic Peanuts (99.5%), Sea Salt. No palm oil. Smooth or crunchy

£2.25 in Tesco for 225g


This one is very similar to the Meridian, I prefer it because it has the salty kick that I like. The only issue with this one is the price. It is quite expensive for a smaller jar and it is only stocked in larger Tesco and Sainsburys or Holland and Barratt. The consistency means it is a bit of a challenge to eat on its own but it’s still a good strong contender.


3. Tesco

100% peanuts, available in smooth or crunchy.

£1.50 for 280g


Tesco only recently started selling their own healthy version with 100% peanuts and this one actually surprised me. It contains only peanuts but still has a smooth creamy texture and doesn’t lose the flavour, pretty good considering it doesn’t contain added salt. For £1.50 it’s definitely worth it, I hope they start selling bigger jars! I use it for my homemade Reese’s peanut butter cups, great value for money.


2. Whole Earth

Roasted Peanuts (96%), Sustainable Palm Oil, Sea Salt. Smooth or crunchy

£3.45 for 454g or £6.50 for 1kg at Tesco


This has been a staple in my top 5 for a while. The consistent is perfect, it’s smooth, rich and spreadable. It’s not oily like Meridian and the crunchy one really wins me over. It’s not too salty or too sweet. The big tubs are expensive so I would wait until they’re on offer. It’s a good second place.


1. Manilife

£3.75 for 295g

Peanuts, salt


Oh sweet Manilife. I remember the first time I tried this jar of magic. I was at a food festival and they had a stand offering their samples spread on apple pieces. They sell three different Peanut butters; Original (which is crunchy) Deep roast and creamy smooth. I have tried all three and my favourite has to be the original. (I know this because I approached the sample desk many times to check) The original is crunchy and smooth at the same time. It is so creamy and easy to spread and then you get these delightful little peanut pieces. When I finish my jar, I will ALWAYS do a Joey from Friends (peanut butter fingers) it should come with a warning sign because it is addictive! Have it with apple, on warm toast or spoon it out the jar and lick the spoon.

The only issue is the stockists! You won’t find it in your average supermarkets like Sainsburys or Tesco. But you can find it at the odd independent health shop or Holland and Barratt, I usually wait for their buy one get one half price and stock up with 4 jars.

On my recent trip to Italy, I took my own Tupperware filled with Manilife to get my daily fix. When I eat it, I get it all over my desk, on my clothes and in my hair. I don’t know how or why.

This is, quite simply, the best peanut butter I have ever tasted. And remember, if someone ever tells you that you’re putting too much peanut butter on your toast, stop talking to them. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.






When you are so hungry that your lack of food causes you to become angry, frustrated or both.

I wanted to write a bit about this, without overloading you with detail. It explains what can happen when you diet or have an Eating Disorder.

(it also explains why I have been a miserable hangry bitch for the last year or so)

The Minnesota Starvation Experiment was a clinical study performed in 1944. The investigation was designed to determine the physiological and psychological effects of severe and prolonged dietary restriction.

(The study was used after it was recognised that millions of people were in grave danger of mass famine as a result of the War)

The 36 subjects had to be male, single and demonstrate good physical and mental health.

They spent the first three months of the study eating a normal diet of 3,200 calories a day, followed by six months of semi-starvation at 1,570 calories a day.

Their diet consisted of foods widely available in Europe during the war, mostly potatoes, root vegetables, bread and macaroni. The men were required to work 15 hours per week in the lab, walk 22 miles per week and participate in a variety of educational activities for 25 hours a week.

Throughout the experiment, the researchers measured the physiological and psychological changes brought on by near starvation.

During the semi-starvation phase the changes were dramatic:

  • Beyond the gaunt appearance of the men, there were significant decreases in their strength and stamina, body temperature, heart rate and sex drive. Their heart rates fell to 35bpm.

The psychological effects were significant as well:

  • Hunger made the men obsessed with food. They would dream and fantasize about food, read and talk about food and savour the two meals a day they were given.
  • They reported fatigue, irritability, depression and apathy. They grew irritable if they weren’t served their food exactly on time, or if they had to wait too long in line.
  • Depression became more severe during the course of the experiment. Mood swings were extreme for some of the volunteers. They became progressively more withdrawn and isolated
  • Another interesting thing that happened to these men during the semi-starvation period was that even though they were extremely skinny, even skeletal, they didn’t see themselves as being too skinny. Rather they saw that everybody else were just too fat compared to them (body dysmorphia).
  • The stress proved too much for one of the men, twenty-four-year-old Franklin Watkins. He began having vivid, disturbing dreams of cannibalism. On trips into town, he cheated extravagantly, downing milkshakes and sundaes. Finally he broke down sobbing. Then he grew angry and threatened to kill the doctor and take his own life. He was dismissed from the experiment and sent to the psychiatric ward of the university hospital. After a few days on a normal diet, he appeared completely of sound mind again.


What can we take from this experiment?

Eating more after dieting is a natural instinct and it is very hard to force ourselves to eat less. It is not about having no self-control or willpower. The body is not simply “reprogrammed” at a lower set point once weight loss has been achieved.

No wonder 95% of all diets inevitably fail and 99.5% of dieters gain all the weight back after only five years. The before and after photos that they show you, are never 5 years after, because most people gain the weight back. The men in the study overshot their pre-study weight by 10 percent when they began to eat normally again.

Your body needs to be a certain weight to FUNCTION and be healthy. Each individual may have a genetically determined set point for adult weight. This means you should consider your set weight like your height, it depends on your genetics.

Your body knows the weight it wants to be, and when we try to force our bodies beyond those limits, our bodies work against us. If you’re struggling to diet, it means that your body is healthy and comfortable at your weight. Why not try to make your mind comfortable with it? We aren’t all supposed to look the same!

We live in a culture where people desire to be “skinny” and aspire to be the picture of health or “wellness”. We need to learn to accept ourselves and challenge the idea that thin/fit people are happier and healthier! As you can see in the experiment they’re not necessarily happier or healthier. That’s why it’s called an Eating DISORDER.

I experienced all of these effects when I was restricting and “eating clean”, and I was eating around 1,200 calories a day with NO carbs. I was crazy irritable, depressed, cold and my body and hormones were shutting down in order to survive.

If you don’t fuel nourish your body then your brain CAN’T function, the malnutrition completely altered my personality.

Hangry Kitty:


To sum up, starvation dramatically alters personality and that nutrition directly and predictably affects mind as well as body.

Pursuing health is about balance, it’s about a nutritious and varied diet and being more physically active for the benefits of feeling better, to be happy! It is not painfully restrictive and it’s not based around a number on the scales.

To my family and friends– I am sorry for being a miserable, irritable, unsociable skinny bitch for the sake of a fucking six-pack.

Reviews of Food, Restaurants and Carrot Cakes!


A Review of Hotel Chocolat’s Ice Cream


I am walking around St Albans town centre in the summer heat on my day off, when I see Hotel Chocolat. I don’t think it’s even possible to walk past one of their shops without going inside. (This might have something to do with the free samples) My partner refers to me as a “chocolate monster” so I simply can’t walk past without a cheeky taster. The flavour of the month was Mojito chocolates, not really to my taste but it’s chocolate and it’s free so…

I saw some women queuing up to buy an Ice-cream, I have probably been in Hotel Chocolat a hundred times, and never tried one of their Ice creams. The big sign read “ICE CREAM OF THE GODS” Apparently the cocoa comes from the plant Theobromacacao which translates literally as “Cocoa, food of the gods.”

The crazy fitness ED voice in my head  reads the description, “Ooh look it’s only 12% sugar” I tell myself that it is NOT the reason to try it!

The shop assistant was so friendly, she asked me if I had ever had one before, I said no. She replied “Oh they’re so good and made with roasted cocoa nibs”. I have no idea what that means but it sounds organic or something important.

So, I opted for the standard jersey milk ice cream in a tub (I’ve never been one for wafer cones, they just slow me down) I made the decision to go without the salted caramel sauce because I didn’t want to take the taste away from the main event. The ice cream is dispensed from a machine just like your standard Mr Whippy and the portion size was decent. The texture is actually quite similar too. I liked the texture, it was light and easy to eat but I just felt it was a bit plain. To sum it up, it TASTED HEALTHY, probably because it wasn’t sweet enough for me. It kind of tasted like a healthy chocolate, or maybe similar to the Beyers chocolate protein ice-cream, I just didn’t detect ENOUGH chocolate. Personally I would opt for a Mr Whippy 99p with a flake over this but maybe that’s because I have such a sweet tooth. Luckily, every purchase comes with a little 60% chocolate stick, which was pretty tasty.

“ICE CREAM OF THE GODS” Is a pretty big statement and I’m not sure I would agree! And for £3.25 I would give it a miss and buy some of their salted caramel puddles instead.

Overall 2/5


1/5- You would have to pay me to eat this again

2/5- I would eat it again but maybe steal it rather than buy it

3/5- I would probably buy again if I was wondering aimlessly around supermarkets

4/5- Get in ma weekly trolley

5/5- I will be dreaming about it most nights and venture across mountains to Hogwarts, where I would dual with Lord Voldemort in order to experience this magic again






The NHS defines it as a way to calculate your healthy weight, a way to measure your weight compared to your height. The calculation tells you whether you’re underweight, healthy, overweight or obese.

This is a chart detailing the bullshit:


Let me hit you with some juicy truth nuggets:

The BMI was introduced in the early 19th century by a Belgian named Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet. He was a mathematician, not a physician. I am pretty confident that the general population’s average sizes and lifestyles have changed since the 19th Century. For example, 1830 the average height for a woman was 5’1’’ and 5’5’’ for a man.

BMI ignores bone, muscle and waist size. So a large rugby player with larger muscles or bones could measure obese on the BMI scale.

It ignores body fat percentage

It doesn’t take gender into account. Women have higher body fat percentage than men. We need more body fat to regulate our hormones and have babies! We actually NEED that junk in the trunk.

Doctors seem to rely on BMI which means they are less likely to use scientific methods that are available. (Probably because it would cost the NHS more money)

In 2016, a study by UCLA concluded that tens of millions of people who had overweight and obese BMI scores were in fact perfectly healthy.

But they also found that 30 per cent of people with “healthy” BMIs were in fact not healthy at all based on their other health data.

In 1997, a decision was made by nine experts from the US National Institutes of Health to reduce the max healthy weight range from 27.8 to 25. Megan Crabbe pointed out in her book “Body Positive Power” that 8 of these 9 professionals have ties to the multi-billion dollar weight loss industry. Meaning that 39 million Americans became overweight overnight according to BMI!

This whole “one size fits all” shouldn’t be adopted by Doctors, someone’s general health should be based on each person individually. A person’s health should not be measured simply by a number on a chart! I am not completely dismissing the use of BMI, I am sure that it has some good uses?

From my own experience, BMI has become what Doctors RELY on. I went to the doctors THREE times whilst I was underweight (according to my BMI.) Because I was very lean and had large muscle percentage, my BMI wasn’t LOW ENOUGH for them to even consider that I had an Eating Disorder. They didn’t measure my body fat, they had no idea that it was dangerously low at 8%. (Women need essential fat between 10-13%)

My Doctor said my periods should come back when I am at a healthy weight. So I asked them, what weight would that be then? Out came the fucking calculator.

I believe that MY BODY will decide when I am a healthy weight. So maybe that would be when my periods return and my body fat percentage and hormones return to normal, THEN I think I can be considered to have a healthy BODY rather than a “healthy weight”.

So because of my height, I need to hit Xkg to be considered healthy?

Bitch please, I don’t need a number to tell me when my body is rockin’.


My Story

My Story

A foodie recovering from an Eating Disorder

Let me explain…

I used to read so many blogs and articles, such as “EXERCISES TO TONE UP YOUR THIGHS” or “HOW TO BUILD THAT BOOTY IN 6 STEPS” or “FOODS TO GET YOU THAT SIX-PACK!”

Maybe eat a six pack of bread rolls and carry on with your life. These kind of articles are what fuelled my obsession with health and fitness, ultimately leading to an Eating Disorder.

I am currently recovering from a little bitch of an eating disorder. It’s called “Orthorexia”

This is the basic summary:

Orthorexia: an obsession with eating foods that one considers “healthy” and a compulsive need to exercise. Basically when enthusiasm becomes a pathological bat-shit crazy obsession.

MY STORY: The beginning of Skeletor…

In the last 26 years I have always eaten anything and everything without even THINKING about it. I never even owned any weighing scales. I once had Nandos THREE times in one day. My partner used to call me the cookie monster. I have always loved exercise, competitive sport and keeping fit for muddy races. I was always a happy person enjoying the simple things, like cheese on toast.

I have always had a good relationship with food (and the staff at Nandos)

Normal happy/sarcastic Cookie monster:


And then one day in May 2017, I decided that I wanted to eat healthier foods. Mainly because I thought it would help my skin and I wanted that “lean” perfect body. I entered a half marathon and started training with new fitness goals. Over a period of 6 months, I became more and more strict with my “eating clean”, I was running three times a week and spending HOURS in the gym everyday. Every run HAD to be faster than the one before, I was a perfectionist in her element.

I ran my first half marathon in 1:34 and it still wasn’t fast enough.


I started to become obsessed with my fitness and eating. I was checking restaurant menus to make sure I could eat something healthy. I was so committed to finding the best workouts and meal plans, fitness became my number one priorty over my social life. It made me feel like I was in control, and it felt good.

In November 2017, my Mum and partner started to become concerned about my appearance, saying I looked too thin. But I still had people coming up to me at the Gym saying “you look amazing, how do you get so lean? What’s your secret?” So I kept going, I didn’t listen to anyone, even when I weighed 45kg. I couldn’t stop myself obsessing, it was like I was chasing a high, a wave of adrenalin after every run and workout that felt AMAZING. Exercise became my drug and I needed my dose every day.

I started to feel down and didn’t enjoy socialising and my god, was I intolerant. Eventually my mum made me go to the Doctor, I only agreed because she actually cried. She never cries, I always thought she was a robot. They didn’t know what was wrong with me, the GP thought I was just depressed. My BMI wasn’t low enough, even though my body fat was a dangerous 7%.

The makeup weighed me down, so I didn’t blow away:


They never thought I had anorexia because I was still eating three meals a day, I never threw up my food and I didn’t think I was fat! How could I possibly have an eating disorder?!

Skeletor by day, MAC makeup counter face by night:


I finally knew something was really wrong when I stopped loving my cat. That furry angel could do no wrong in my eyes, but I could happily have punched him in the face.

I went to see a private GP who diagnosed me with Orthorexia (similar to Anorexia), the waiting time for treatment on the NHS is 20 weeks. 20 FUCKING WEEKS. Luckily my amazing Mum has helped me receive private treatment.

What does an Eating Disorder feel like?

Its a voice in your head that tells you “you’re not good enough” I call it the Voldemort voice (be prepared for further Harry Potter references)

It’s always feeling freezing cold

It’s waking up and 3am dripping in sweat

It’s being Intolerant and defensive to everyone and isolating yourself

My therapist says it’s like a separate part of you, like a demon inside you. And I defend it when people challenge or threaten it.

It’s having fucked up hormones and damaging your bones

If you want to know more about the symptoms of Orthorexia- I will be posting about it soon

Where am I now?

I am no longer skeletor. I am in recovery, slowly gaining weight. I run about once a week for 3 miles, I go to Pilates once a week and play Badminton with my friends. I don’t follow any diets or plans, I just want to be a sort of normal, functioning human again.

Luckily, I allowed my cat to live and I love that little face again



What have I learnt?

  • Eating Disorders come in all shapes and sizes, you don’t have to be obsessed with your weight or being “thin”. It doesn’t matter if you eat three or four meals a day. You could still have an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise.
  • My rules of life were: I must always be fit and active, I must always be busy and healthy. And if I don’t abide by these rules? Then I am fat lazy bitch that isn’t good enough. These rules aren’t achievable! I am not going to die if I spend the evening eating cake sitting on my bony arse. It’s about finding that balance.
  • People are shit scared of talking about Eating Disorders, so I like to make light of it. When they ask what I am having for dinner, I just say “dust with a side of leaf” and hope they laugh.
  • You will lose some friends and family, the Voldemort ED makes you push people away because it feels easier to isolate yourself in your protein/kale infested cave. The good ones will stick around and support you even if they don’t understand.

What I want to achieve

  • I don’t expect people to understand, but I want them to know that I havent “chosen” to be like this. Deep down I am still Meg and I am trying my best to fight this.
  • I want to raise awareness to others to stop them from becoming obsessed with health and exercise, it’s scary how quickly it can take a grip.
  • I want to help others who are struggling and know that you’re not alone. It is ok not to be OK.

Anyway, I hope you like my blog, but to be honest if you don’t like it then I am just going to keep doing it anyway because it’s fun 🙂

So, to sum up…

Waiting on the NHS list without the love and support of Carmine and my Mum:


Me now: